Drowning in you
by lovinlife89
Summary: It was always in the eyes.


It's in the eyes. Her eyes. Captivating you, pulling you in deeper than you've ever dared go before. The clearest blue skies, or darkened to the depths of the ocean. Ironic that at those times you'd happily drown in her. Consuming you until she became the air you breathed, until she became everything you needed to survive. How naive you were back then to think that you didn't need her, that she didn't always have that hold over everything you ever were, your mind, your dreams, your body, your thoughts, but you were numb, and while you felt her you led yourself to believe that nothing could touch your darkened soul. Something so pure, so _good_, should never be tainted with the horrors of your heart.

She came to you, in some nameless hotel, in a small town ripped apart by the evils of this world, evil you were becoming so familiar with you were lost in it, it had taken a hold of you and kept you there, taunting you with all the memories of those you couldn't save. Those you never would.

She told you she came to ask you something, but before any words left her mouth she had you up against your hotel room door, hands in your dark hair,_ dark, _what everything had become to you, and as her lips found their way to yours you couldn't see the shadows that had slowly taken over everything, you only saw _her._ She held you with the lightest touch, like you might fall apart right there in front of her, but you wouldn't, _couldn't_, taint her in your misery.

Before you could pull back though her grip tightened, subtlety pulling you down with her, and you realised in that moment you'd happily fall forever if she was to never let you go. You kiss her back with everything you have, running your hands all over her sweat glistened naked body you know that no feeling will ever come close, not in this lifetime would you ever find anything that could compare to Jennifer jareau coming undone in your arms. A feeling that overtook you so completely, like all the sorrow that had shrouded the last weeks, months, _years_, every painful memory, every tear, every disturbing scene, each vile, indescribable act of an unsub, had left you here. You weren't stoic agent Prentiss; you weren't anything but Emily, something you hadn't been in longer than you'd care to remember. And in some twisted way, you think maybe, _just maybe_, all that might have just been worth it. And as you glance again in to those eyes, _it always came back to those damn eyes_, watching the scene play out before you; you know you'll give her this one night, a night for her to remember and you to forget, because while you were sure she was worth the world, you weren't. You'll walk away while she sleeps soundly beside you, golden hair splayed out over the pillows like she belonged there, like she belonged right there next to you, like she'd _always _been there. And you know that if you left it up to her to decide, she'd always be there. But you were damaged, ruined even, shattered and re built without all the right pieces, and as the harsh light begins to flow through the murky windows of your soul, you know that while you're broken, she can never break with you.

She never did ask anything of you that night, _she never did_, and you begin to wonder if, unlike you, she ever did find her answers.

You kept your distance, threw yourself even deeper into work, punished yourself for that one moment of weakness, that one moment when time stood still, and nothing mattered in that room besides each other, that nameless hotel room you can recall every small detail of, every touch, every moan, every inch of JJ's body on top of you, reaching in to the very core of your being, caressing you, _loving_ you; everything you know, _just _know, you shouldn't be remembering, but know nothing in this world, _nothing_, could ever make you forget. Staring in to those blue orbs now , sparkling as clear and light as the red sea, ironically the sea you spent so much of your youth in Egypt staring into, wishing it would swallow you whole, take you away from this game they called the politics of life, before you'd even _felt_ heartache, you knew it had destroyed you, couldn't reach you in ways it did others; behind those barriers you built around you like a fortress was nothing, only a vast emptiness that nothing and no one in all your years had been able to fill. And looking in to them, all you could see now was how they looked when she was screaming _your _name, like it was the only name that deserved to fall from those perfect lips, so naturally, like it had tumbled out so many times before. She never looked away, never broke the intensity of your gaze, like she was watching the cogs slowly turn in your head, waiting with all the patience in the world as you realised your name was the only name she ever wanted to utter again.

You weren't surprised when she showed up at your door that night, like she came home to you every night, like she had a right to be there, in your home and your _heart_. Were less surprised when no words left her mouth before she pressed it tenderly to yours, she wouldn't let you ruin this with your words, your thoughts, _your doubt_. But just like three weeks before, stood in that dimly lit hotel room , mind spinning , blurring all the things you'd seen together at a hundred miles an hour, making no sense of anything around you, as soon as her lips touched yours time stood still and the only thing on your mind was her. As you staggered back against the wall while she teasingly removed your shirt there was no good or bad, no darkness or light, no haunting memories seeping through your veins contaminating your very being, as you dared yourself to look in to those eyes, _those damn perfect eyes _you were lost to her.

Her fingertips running over your breasts, down your stomach, gliding elegantly down to where many had been before her, but no one, _no one_ had ever touched you like she did. So soft yet firm, feeling it everywhere, right through to your very core. And she knew, _knew_, that she alone held the power to break you, to shatter you in to a million pieces once and for all; but she had no interest in destroying you, you could see it in her eyes, those eyes that had you mesmerized, those eyes that saw everything that made you you, that she only wanted to save you, _had_ been saving you all along. You kept gazing at her as she tasted you, tasted _all _of you, like you were all she needed to survive. You'd become something out of nothing and it meant everything, which is why come morning, before the sun rose, you left the most beautiful, exquisite woman sleeping soundly in your bed, golden hair yet again sprawled across pillows, _your _pillows, because while she might of belonged there; right now you didn't.

It never failed to pass you by that you always left before the sun rose on yet another day, another day that she could've been yours, the sun rising signifying the beginning of something new, the hurt of yesterday forgotten and the hope that a new tomorrow brings. If you'd stayed, stayed wrapped up in JJ's arms, stayed _home_, you were giving her hope, and even more than you didn't want to hurt her, you didn't want to disappoint her.

You'd found them, three young girls all beaten beyond recognition, the last dying in your arms before the paramedics arrived, because you were just _too late_. Too late to save them, or to save yourself? You struggled to know how to piece together the questions, let alone hope for an answer. And there it was again. Hope. The one thing you couldn't give but that you'd slowly taken. "Putting hope in a better tomorrow" JJ had told you on one of your many late night visits. She'd stopped staying til morning, stopped hoping you'd be there to face the day with, and stopped hoping there would be a day you'd face _together_. And as you look in to her eyes now, you see that not only did you destroy that hope, but that you put that pain in her gaze, you dulled the colour of those magnificent eyes, you put that hurt in her look. You did the one thing you promised yourself months ago you wouldn't be the cause of, and that destroyed you more than the memory of an innocent sixteen year old girl taking her last breath in your arms. Disturbingly you blamed her for tainting the arms you were supposed to hold JJ in, supposed to keep JJ _safe _in. You placed your anger on a blameless abused child for not being able to reach out to JJ in _her_ time of need. She was so strong for you, so tough in the face of your demons, yet you couldn't even look in to her eyes now without falling apart.

She stopped coming around after that, you never questioned why, after all she never asked anything of you, what right did you have to ask anything of her? You know that everyone had noticed, how you had both taken to avoiding eye contact, conducted entire conversations without even so much as glancing at each other, because you both knew that all it would take was one look, _just one look_, and everything would come crashing down. The walls you spent years building would be gone in that one second, she'd be yours and you'd make sure that pained look never crossed her face again. But would a glance free you of everything that haunts you down, hunting you, like your very own unsub; your mind turning against you and destroying you from the inside out. Would the sunrise hitting your face with her beside you cleanse you of everything that had ever weighed you down all these years? Would it give you the strength to fight your demons so that you could stay by her side and finally make a promise, _because you never promised her anything_, that you'd be there for her as long as she'd have you? You finally knew the question, but until you were sure of the answer it wasn't something you'd ever dare ask.

You know this case got to her, seeped in to her and she couldn't just look at you, she couldn't look at anyone. "If you stop caring, you're jaded. If you care too much, it'll ruin you." you wonder then if that was aimed at you, she cared too much and you never cared enough, it had become the story of your life. She advanced, you retreated, she pushed forward, and you pulled back. She tried your way, gave you space, and you took the cowards way out and ran. You realise now you didn't even have the decency to look back, she pulled you in to her ocean and you dragged her down along with you, you didn't grab on to her out stretched hand to float together, to remain above the surface _together,_ you simply let her drown in your pain with you. She was both your strength and your weakness and you were letting it sink you both.

You didn't knock, you knew she was in there, knee deep in files, head down pen in hand trying to _forget_. You also knew that just one word from her would make you crumble, and she needed _you_ to be strong right now, she needed you to remember. As always whenever you were around her your world stopped, the thoughts stopped going round, that inner voice turned off and just like she had six months before you pushed her up against her office wall and bought your lips to hers; you heard her gasp in surprise, after all this is the first time you've really kissed her, it was always her initiating this little song and dance of yours, always her that made that first step, that first brush of contact. It wasn't slow and gentle like all those times she delicately kissed you after watching you come, it was fast and deep and passionate, the three words that have summed up whatever it is you have had from the very beginning. From that first fleeting glance in Hotch's office, from the very first time you looked in to _those eyes_, it has always been that. Fast. Deep. Passionate. As always no words are exchanged, no words were _needed _to be exchanged. But you haven't dared look in to her eyes, you haven't looked in to them in weeks and you know that just one glance, one second, and you're never going to want to look at anything else again; and this is about _her_.

She moans softly as you spin her round and push her on to the desk, your lips never leaving her neck as you make quick work of her shirt, discarding it behind you, you take a second to realise maybe she doesn't want to be doing this here, at your place of work, surrounded by all horrors of the case files that are now scattered aimlessly around the room, she always chose somewhere safe, somewhere _separate._ But those thoughts are rapidly forgotten as she pulls you down on top of her, whispering your name like you'll disappear if she says it out loud. Not now, not tonight, sunrise is a long way off and you've no intention of taking off before you finish what you started.

You kiss down her body, that _perfect _body, never stopping until you reach her pants which you make even quicker work of, your mind now set on this mission and you're hell bent on seeing it through. Committed to making Jennifer jareau fall apart, come apart at the seams and hold her until she's whole again. In fact at this moment in time you're committed to _anything_ to do with her. You bring your lips to the place you know she needs you the most, lapping up every bad thought, cleansing her of every image in those files, every broken victim, all the inconsolable families, all the hurt and pain you may have caused since that night all those months ago, because you know you hurt her most of all, you became her unsub as well as your own.

You feel her breath hitch and insert two fingers into her, trying to touch her very soul, letting her know that she can fall because even if you've never been able to catch yourself, you'd never let her slip through your fingers. You know she's getting close, her whispered moans have increased to wild screams and you just pray that Hotch isn't still sat in his office getting quite the show, and that for once he went home and escaped in to his family, that Jack was his way to forget. Curling your fingers you crawl back up her body laying kisses where ever you can, and when you reach those swollen lips you kiss her like your life depends on it, like you might never get the chance to kiss her again. That was all it took to throw her over the edge, your name on her lips like it was the only word she knew. You could have stopped kissing her, could have got up and ran away knowing your job here was done, but you knew it wasn't just about that. So you carried on, slowly and gently; the two words you'd never put with you, you kissed her until she came back down from where ever it was you'd catapulted her to. When you felt her breathing return to normal you kissed back down her body, quite tempted to start all over again; nothing amazed you more than JJ in the heat of passion, and you know, _just know_, nothing would ever come close. With one last kiss to her thigh you pulled her underwear back up, zipped back up her black work pants, and without ever looking up you hunted for her shirt and slowly buttoned it back up on her, removing yourself from your place in between her legs you made your way to the door, knowing you should say something, _anything_, but words weren't something either of you bought to this place.

Your hand had just tightened round the handle when you heard it, so low it was barely there, in fact when you turned around you were unsure if it had come from her or your imagination.

"Em."

One word. All it took was that one word for you to do what you'd avoided doing since you entered her office, and you knew the one thing she wanted more than for you to make her come was to look at you, knowing she'd see all the words you couldn't say. Every thought, every feeling, everything you'd left unsaid between you. You knew you couldn't deny her anything, not now, not ever, and as you looked directly into those sparkling blues, you put every ounce of what you had behind your gaze.

"Thank you."

Even if you could've made a sound, you knew nothing you could have possibly said would have done that moment justice. You didn't need words, you knew that, she knew that, and as you left that office with the first real smile on your face in years, since you were that child staring out in to the ocean staring out at the beauty before you, you realise you never had.

You left that night realising that maybe, just maybe, Jennifer jareau was just as broken as you, maybe she needed saving, maybe she got that from saving you. If anything, you'd become one, and if one of you was hurting the other felt it, and she'd shielded you from her pain to save you from yourself. All these months you'd pushed her, you swore to yourself you'd never hurt her but you tested her, seeing if she could break, become just like you. Did you find it easier to think about loving her if she was jaded? Something so perfect could never belong to you, so you tainted it. You broke her to have her, to _deserve_ her. But you put her back together, because just one ounce of pain in those eyes, _those eyes that always saw right through to your very soul, the very essence of who Emily Prentiss really was_, was enough to drag you up from the bottom of that ocean to rescue her. In saving each other you saved yourselves.

You'd spent so long making it a game, seeing how far you could go before she'd walk away, because you adamantly believed she deserved better, but she always returned to you. For as lost as you were, she admitted she couldn't find her way out of her own darkness without you. And you realise right then, right in that very moment that not only has she became the light in your own darkness, but she's become your entire world.

Funny what you remember when your wold is crashing down around you, she asked you never to forget, "that no matter how wrong the beginning was the ending was always right" she'd said, that all that pain was worth what you had now, and as you look in to those eyes, _those gorgeous blue eyes_, you see everything that was still left un said. You hadn't said those words, those words you'd never uttered to another living soul, not out loud. Those words that would complete her, in turn completing you both, because if anything this past year had taught you, it was that making JJ happy was all you needed in life. Not your job, not your friends, your family even, just the utter contentment of the woman laid before you, a crimson red corrupting that blue you know so well, fading it to something unrecognisable, something that didn't belong.

You feel Morgan pull you back, but no one could ever pull you away from her, nothing in this world would even make you think twice about leaving her, gazing at her, her eyes; _it was always those eyes_, pulling you in further than you already were, trapping you in everything that was Jennifer jareau, and you knew, just like you knew your own name that there's nowhere else you'd rather be, not now, not ever. But something in them was missing, and you wander if you'd told her all the things you should of that it'd be there, that exotic blue shining through, blinding you to anything else. If she'd known that you loved her, that in some twisted way had always loved her, and most definitely would always love her. That you couldn't _breathe _you were so in love with her. She'd done it. She'd consumed you to your very soul, not only did you drown in those eyes; you were re born in them. You aren't like you were back then, you're whole, she made you whole. She completed you, broke you and put you back together, filled all the holes you'd battled with all your life. Your fears, your demons, she slayed them with you, for you. No you think as you watch the paramedics scramble to put the life back in those eyes, you completed each other.

As the sunlight comes shining through the blinds, signalling the start of yet another day, she looks up at you, and you've no idea how long she's been laid there just watching you think but you can't remember seeing anything as beautiful in your lifetime. It's clear you've been lost in your own head for a while, as when you move to sit up she flinches, just slightly. Recoils from you like she expects you to get up and leave, leaving her to start the day _alone._ You know this is your doing; your doubt led to putting that fear there, so without a word you wrap your arms around her gently, kissing her softly like you have done every day for the past three years, letting her know she's where she belongs and you're right where you need to be.

"I'm just remembering." She doesn't need to be told what it is you're re calling in your head, because if anything you've never had to utter a single word to her for her to know exactly what you were thinking. She turns in your arms, smiling slightly and giving you that look, and god those eyes; _you know now those eyes will be the death of you_. But it's not the look of all those years ago, you wiped away that look of pain and filled it with love. It became something honest and pure, another two words you would never have thought to associate with yourself, but the only two words that come to mind when JJ looks at you like that.

"Good, because I don't want you to ever forget."

And that's good enough for you.


End file.
